Men. Women and Chocolate!

It seems like forever since my last post.  There has been much happening in our home, but not much  having to do with Ana, so I felt no real need to share it with y'all.  Having said that, I will share a couple of things that concerns her.  Ana is adjusting well.  Do to my husband's line of work there are many young men in and out of our home on a weekly basis.  At first Ana wanted to be part of everything they were doing.  This, I explained is "Not Appropriate" behavior for a young lady.  In Ukraine kids are everywhere adults are and are involved in their conversations and basically there are no boundaries.  I think it may be do to the small quarters - not sure. 

Well, considering she will become a young lady any day now (she's 11) she is to stay far away from these young men.  She is to find things to do without interrupting them.  Anyways, teaching her how to be a young lady takes a lot of time and effort.  She has had very poor examples of women and even worst examples of men.  The other day my husband raised his voice at me (yes, he does this sometimes - not very often) and was correcting me on something I did wrong and she got very upset.  She has no idea what normal, healthy relationships look like so she thought my husband was going to turn into a monster and act like the men she has grown up with.  For those of you who have lived in Ukraine, you know what I mean.

Anyways, we had to sit her down and have a long conversation about sin, again.  "Sometimes Mommies and Daddies disagree and sometimes we raise our voices.  However, it doesn't mean we will be hitting each other or throwing things at one another or divorcing or anything like that.  It just means we are sinful, human beings in need of our Saviour" - And so is she.

After a while she realized our attitudes changed and we were all a happy family again.  I asked forgiveness for what I did wrong, and my husband asked forgiveness for raising his voice - all in front of her.  

On another note, she is being less disobedient these days.  There are less "consequences".   I think this has a lot to do with us controlling her environment the way that we do.  She watches very little TV, I have taken away her CD player and she doesn't have a phone or IPOD.  We are weaning her out of all these frivolous amusements.  One day she will get these, but she is not ready for them now.  It's like the chocolate and candy.  She grew up eating candy all the time (instead of real food).  Now it is controlled.  She is being weaned out of this bad habit.  One good thing is that she doesn't beg anymore.  She used to beg a lot!  She finally has understood that no means no and there is no begging that will change that.

One funny note.  She watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory yesterday and she said she wanted to work in a chocolate factory when she grows up.  She also said this was her very favorite movie of all time!  Of course, I almost said I would go with her, except I would end up like the fat boy in the movie.

About the Issues of the Heart

Many of you have written very encouraging emails to me after I posted the discipline issues I encountered with Ana.  It seems like we are all going through similar stories.  The specifics I mentioned are very common to most of these kids.  As I'm reading your emails I kept thinking to myself what will become of these children that are left to "age out" of these orphanages.  Without any rehabilitation they will have a very hard time adjusting to the work force or even dealing with day to day situations.  Maybe this is why the statistics are so high for girls going into prostitution and boys into crime.  They have no skills to live in this world.  We have to pray for more adoptions.  This is the only way they have a chance at a "normal" life.

As for Ana, I see improvements every day.  Her day to day routine is pretty much the same.  We have limited her entertainment to a bare minimum.  Maybe a children's video once a month and only 1/2 hour of cartoons a day.  I am constantly correcting her behavior.  She used to jump in an adult conversation (just to be the center of attention) now she says "excuse me" which I say "is it important"? and she thinks about it and most of the time it's not and she stays quiet.  

We had company over last night and in the past, she would have been all over them just trying to get their attention, but I was pleasantly surprised that after dinner she excused herself to her room to play with her dolls.  We barely even heard her.  She has learned how to entertain herself, quietly.  BIG improvement!

Like they say, if you do something for 30 days it becomes a habit.  Our life is simple and straight forward, without many bells and whistles.  I believe she will get it - in time.  And one day she will become a very productive, proper young lady!

Radical Changes

Ana is in school and it is quiet now. My husband and I were saying the other day that we have not had a child at home for years so this is all new to us. Or rather, we have forgotten what it is to have a child at home. Our son is a junior in college and an adult. It's been years since we heard a peep from him.

How different things are now than they were seven months ago, when we were planning to fly to Kiev. I don't recognize all the new cartoons that are out. And some are quite offensive. I usually check for their grading system to see if they are appropriate for her to watch. She still prefers Sponge Bob, and she is allowed to watch that. Actually, I find Sponge Bob quite funny and witty!

And then there is the --"No running in the house" coming from me on a dialy basis. I admit these changes do take some getting use to.

Then there is the daily homework. I was not at all surprised that Ana did not know her times table. There are many things she doesn't know that she should know since she is in 5th grade. Either the school system is very bad in Ukraine, or they just did not bother with her.

I am in constant communications with her teachers at school. They are very helpful and do want to see her learn and progress. She can read pretty good. Each day I am surprised at all the new words she is learning. Where once she would say "We go school", now she is saying "We now go to school". And where she said "I hungry", now she says "Mom, I am hungry". Big steps, I think. And her accent is almost right on - I think she is gifted in languages.

We are constantly working on discipline issues. She is trying really hard. I know it is difficult, this is all very new to her. Once she had to worry about everything, including what to eat. Now, she doesn't have to worry about any of those things - only one --obeying Mom & Dad. What a radical concept!

Issues from the Heart

A week has gone by since my last post and many things have occurred.  We went to Georgia for a family trip and had a wonderful time there.  We even missed most of the bad rains!  We are trying hard to adjust to Ana.  Unfortunately she has some behavior issues that need to be adjusted and it causes some friction now and then.  Lately we have been experiencing much friction!  We are beginning to see that at the orphanage where she was offered her much more freedom to do and say what she wanted.  She now has to obey the rules of our house and this is a very difficult process for her.  She has never learned patience.  When I say we will do this later, she has to ask me several times until we do this.  I wonder if this is because people at the orphanage would often promise her things and never deliver?  I am constantly reminding her that we keep our word, but she has to trust us.  This is hard.

I also don't quite understand the need for entertainment all the time.  Except maybe because of their "entertainment-filled" society she needs to have that stimulus all the time.  We don't have TV's and music videos going all the time at home.  In fact, we rarely turn on the TV.  I guess she is going through a kind of withdrawal.  The amusement thing is also something I did not expect. Once we are done with doing something or going somewhere together, she asks "what do we do now", as if the fun must continue.  I really thought since she was an orphan she would be grateful for every little thing she does, but it doesn't seem that way.  It is never enough!

Anyhow, don't email me saying things like I'm too harsh, inconsiderate, etc.  I am being honest and this is all new to me.  My biological son never acted out this way, so I am trying to learn how to address her sinful actions and teach her new appropriate, kind and good behavior.   Are there any other parents going through this???

Also, there are serious behaviors that require immediate attention such as lying and manipulating.  These I wish someone had told me about while I was in Kiev.  She has to deal with many consequenses stemming from these actions.  Please pray that her heart will be changed.  

Update on Ana

This week marks two months since we have been in America.  Yeah!  Ana seems to be adjusting slowly to the many changes in her life.  Sometime I feel bad that she has to learn everything all over again.  There are so many things that we don't think about that has to do with adjusting to a different culture.  Things we just take for granted.  For example, the other night on the way home from church we stopped by the market for a few things.  My husband got separated from us and when I finally saw him he was clear across the other side of the store.  In order to get his attention I hollered at him.  Well, you would have thought I committed a very serious crime by the way Ana tugged at me and kept shushing me to keep quiet.  Never mind that no one cared but her, she was visibly shaken that I was even intending to draw attention to ourselves.  I remember she did this to me in Kiev too.  Apparently, you are not supposed to raise your voice in Ukraine or do anything that will make people look at you.  It is a No-No!

I took her face in my hands and said, "Ana, It is OK to call out to Dad, we are NOT in Ukraine". Like this, there are so many culture - specific, behavioral differences that on top of her normal child behavior issues, she has to learn how we relate to our culture.  

Then there are those behaviors specific to her living in an institution.  Somehow she thinks everything in our house she is welcome to.  This morning I was reading my Bible with a few resources around me and she did not ask permission, but went right ahead and picked one up and started to thumb through it.  I told her that was not hers and she needs to ask permission before picking it up.  I also asked her why she feels she needs to touch everything she sees. Which she replied, "because I want to".  Then I said that is not correct and she needs to ask permission and then and only if the person agrees for her to look at it can she.  It is called self-control and respect for other people's property.  Self-control is the word of the month right now.  We are working very hard on self-control in may areas of her life.

I pray for strength and wisdom as we continue to disciple Ana.  I would covet your prayers on this for it is a mighty task, indeed!

Clarification on Anonymous

I guess my last post needs some explaining.  Obviously those I allow to post I'm OK with.  It's the ones that never get on that are the ones I am directing it to.  So, if you haven't seen your comment posted - anonymous - it's you!  Sorry for the confusion for everyone else.

Message to Anonymous

Here is a simple message to those who post anonymously.  Why?  What are you afraid of?  This is an information blog, a community blog and a discussion blog.  Please consider your motives for only wanting to add your opinion without being challenged.  It is a very prideful attitude that makes someone comment on things without needing any rebuttal.  And also very cowardly.  By the way, you realize most of us in the blogging world have the magic little button that makes your comment never read.  I sometimes allow your comments  for the sake of having others read how self-centered, prideful, often wrong your position is.  So you might want to come out of the blogging closet and allow someone to teach you something sometime.

Sorry Elton - NO ADOPTION FOR YOU!

“Elton John will not be able to adopt a Ukrainian child and if he files that request we will unfortunately deny it,” Pavlenko said. “The law is the same for everybody: for a president, for a minister, for Elton John.”

As stated above by the Adoption Authority of Ukraine, Elton and his partner cannot adopt this little boy. Here is the link, if you want to read more on it.   http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32823650/ns/entertainment-celebrities/

Good to read the rules still applies to everyone equally.

Elton John Adopting from Ukraine?

I read in the news that singer Elton John is planning to adopt a fourteen month old orphan from Ukraine.  I thought the Ukrainian authorities did not allow Homosexual people to adopt?  Does anyone know otherwise?  

English only?

As I write this I am listening to Ana play with our dogs Ella & Mocha.  She is having a full blown conversation and it is all in English!  She doesn't know I am listening for I am in the next room.  I remember our first week here she would speak to them in Russian but not anymore.  I guess we are making big strides forward.  I think she will probably be fluent by the end of the year.

Can any of you parents tell me how long it took your kids to learn the language?  I'd love to know.