Ana has had all sorts of tests done and there seems to be NO brain damage that they can detect. All systems seem to be in order. We are thankful all is well - physically. Emotionally, that's a whole different ball game!
It is clear to me that although she is thirteen years old now, Ana's emotional state is that of a 6 or 7 year old. Some of the questions that she poses are very infantile. The things she wants to talk about are things little girls would like to talk about. At the same time her hormones are beginning to kick in and she is attracted to boys -- and of course the wrong ones. Like the ones that get expelled from school!
Her desire to be the center of attention is something very difficult to manage. She can't stop drawing attention to herself, usually by saying something completely inappropriate. Example: Sunday at church we had a special service thanking the peace officers of our town. Many attended and were given plaques as a gift for their service. She called them the "PO - PO". I was upset, but she didn't know what was wrong with that. She has heard it before from her friends at school and she thought it was OK to use in this occasion. Or she will call people "retarded" and such. This is all behavior she has recently picked up at school. She doesn't know it is wrong, until I point it out. However, the thing that gets me, is that I have to point it out several times, before she gets it! Only when she gets a bad consequence, does she stop.
She lives a life full of consequences because she constantly lies, talks back and disobeys. This I think stems from her desire to do what she wants and my desire to let her know she does not rule the house.
Well. I hope to continue writing. I am not in a very good place right now. But I am praying and asking God to help me with my attitude towards her.
If I were to sum it all up for you, here it is: TO ALL THOSE LOOKING TO ADOPT INTERNATIONALLY -- LISTEN UP! Do not get an older child! They indeed come with a whole lot of baggage. Sorry for the capital letters. This is exactly the advice I would give any couple searching to adopt an older child. After all the sacrifice to get this done, your child may not be thankful. Ana certainly is not. At least not now.
More to come...
2 comments:
Hi Barb!
I just read your post regarding issues with your daughter from Ukraine. I don't usually comment on blogs, but I felt the need to tell you that you're not alone.
We came home almost 3 years ago with our daughter from Ukraine. She was almost 7 at the time. She is now 9 years old and working at a kindergarten/pre grade 1 level. She too struggles with behavioural issues and knowing what is appropriate. And what I find to be the most difficult to deal with is outsider's point of views. They think our daughter is perfectly normal, just adjusting to her new life here....even after 3 years!
We also had several tests done on our daughter. Every doctor, psychologist, neurologist is completely stumped as to why Emma is the way she is, making it all the more difficult for us to get her the help that she needs because they too think she's "normal."
I'm sorry this is not much of a pep talk. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one who struggles. Somehow when I read your post it gave me relief knowing that I can identify with someone who deals with the same things I do.
And as for adopting from Ukraine, I think all people should be wary before adopting from there no matter what the age of child. We really felt led to go there and feel that Emma was intended for our family. However, somehow I was expecting sunshine and roses. No child is perfect and people who choose to go the Ukraine route better be prepared for the reality that comes with these kids.
That being said, I love my daughter dearly. We take things one day at a time and we are rarely perfect parents. It's difficult to know how to handle a lot of situations because parenting a hurting abandoned child is so different from raising one born to us. The days I feel that I'm at the end of my rope, I just think of what would have happened to Emma had we not brought her home. This really gives me a new perspective on things. Even though I don't parent perfectly, I'm sure I'm a heck of a lot better than the guidance she would have got in Ukraine!
So keep your chin up! You may not be aware of this, but you are doing amazing and wonderful things for your beautiful daughter.
Tara
Tara,
Thank you for your post. You have no idea how good it was for me to read it. I have been really struggling with all that is happening with Ana. Knowing that she is not a unique case gives me the needed incentive to keep going strong. I pray for patience for all of us, for I see this will be a long and difficult journey.
Thank you again, and God Bless you!
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